Humorist Demetri Martin delivers some fake news

Humorist and filmmaker Demetri Martin provides an antidote to the fake-news phenomenon
Humorist Demetri Martin delivers some fake news

Illustration Matt Chase

The Natural World
  1. Researchers now believe that Saturn’s rings, given their size, are actually bracelets.
  2. Astronomers have found that the universe is expanding faster than people care.
  3. Seagulls laugh more than any other type of bird.
  4. Shellfish are the only fish not skinny-dipping.
  5. Albino polar bears look pretty much identical to regular polar bears.
  6. Every year global warming is responsible for the destruction of more than 10,000 dinner party conversations.
  7. Zoologists have found that after an animal learns it has been placed on the endangered species list, it tends to “act more cocky.”
  8. It is considered bad luck to mount a deer on a wall with a grin on its face.

Human Beings
  1. Prehistoric cave paintings suggest that early man was most interested in primitive art.
  2. Men with beards are 87 percent less likely to blow bubbles when they chew gum.
  3. When a man has sideburns but no hair on his head, he is said to have “face islands.”
  4. Research suggests that the average toddler, if scaled up to the size of Godzilla, would be about three times as dangerous as the actual monster.

  1. The custom of blowing out birthday candles was started by accident when a man panicked that his cake was on fire.
  2. Studies have shown that it is physically impossible to look cool while chasing a piece of paper down a windy street.
  3. Every year, less than one person looks good with a lip ring.
  4. The first parades were held in rivers. That’s why they call the vehicles in them “floats.”
  5. When escalators first appeared, they had escalator men, who would ride with passengers, similar to how elevators had elevator men working in them.

  1. PhD stands for “Pretty hard Degree.”
  2. Bulgaria is the only country whose name ends in “ulgaria.”
  3. The word “Shorter” is longer than the word “Longer.” And “Shortest” is the longest of the three.
  4. Experts believe that up to 93 percent of antiques are actually garbage.

Demetri Martin’s directorial debut, Dean, which he also stars in and wrote, will be released June 3 by CBS Films.